Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cthulhu for President

**Warning: The following is the result of too much caffeine,  nicotine and gothic horror, Lovecraft readers are welcome**

Recently awakened from his prison in R'lyeh, the Great Old One has stirred forth... and he's Republican...

We caught up with the Ancient Lord of Earth at the New Hampshire primaries, for a chat about his stance on the issues.

(Reporter) So, Mister Cthulhu, you seem to be lagging behind in the polls, do you still think you have a chance at the nomination?


(R) I...uhm... I don't think...

(C) Puny flesh-thing! I am older than the stones! Why do you not bow before your master?

(R) I... so... quite confident, then? Good, because you'll need it going into South Carolina next week. Tell us... uhm... Cthulhu... we haven't heard much about where you stand on the issues. What about marriage equality?

(C) All shall be equal in their suffering. This world will serve me as it once did before you up-right simians arrogantly sought to supplant me with your make-believe deities!

(R) So, you're in favor of same-sex marriages, and you obviously don't follow the religious right. Why did you choose to run on the Republican ticket with values that obviously don't mesh with the rest of the party?


(R) ..... Did... d-d-did you... just eat that man?

(C) Yes...

(R) ...

(C) Your vapid mind cannot comprehend the morality of the Ancient Ones! You will all die. Those who serve will be granted my greatest mercy, in the form of a swift death before the world is plunged into darkness and chaos, and I am able to rejoin my fellow gods! ...

(R) Serve you...

(C) Until then, I pledge to enforce my will upon you, and abolish all your foolish mortal governance. Your weapons of war are useless, so I will abolish gun control and so that you may be fruitful and provide me with more to serve, I will also abolish abortion, except those that result from devouring women heavy with child. As I have no use for your worthless commerce, taxation is also hereby ended, may your greed rot you from within.

Behold the glory of Cthulhu, and BOW!


(C) Good man-ape. Heh heh heh...

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